“The No Bug Challenge”

Guest Author: Thomas Cruz

Hello everyone, my name’s Tom. I’m an actor.

I’d like to thank Boostershots for allowing me to intern with their microbiology division. They’re currently conducting serious research on white blood cells, and I’ll be writing a detailed post about our findings in the near future. Stay tuned!

So the strangest thing happened to me the other day.

I attended this insane party at a huge mansion.

A bunch of mega rich old weirdos were acting like total freaks. No one was properly social distancing, and people were getting really up close and personal. At least they forced everyone wear masks. Thank God for that, because everyone knows I’m a huge germ-a-phobe.

The party isn’t the strange part though. People like me go to these types of events all the time, it’s very routine. Things only started to get weird when I ran in to my buddy, Steve.

Steve’s a mega rich guy too, but he’s not an actor, (I think he’s in to medical stuff or something?)

Whatever.

I’ve heard he’s only worth a few 100 million, or something around that figure. $200,000 for him is about $66.66 for the average Joe.

My limousine repair guy is also named Joe, and I recently overheard him humble-bragging that he had finally saved up $100,000 so his daughter could go to college. I don’t think Joe realizes how much college costs these days. Poor guy. He’s just another overworked uninformed dad who loves his daughter to death. So I gave him a $100 bill as a nice tip the last time he fixed up the limo. It practically made his fucking day. (I’ve been known to tip like this in the past).

So I’m talking with Steve at this party, but it’s really loud from all the weird noises these rich people were making. On top of that, both of us are wearing masks so it was a little hard to understand each other. Then Steve started complaining to me about this weird “No Virus Challenge” thing....

Me: The “No Virus Challenge”? Steve, I think you have this all wrong, It’s called the “No Bug Challenge”. Why are you calling it a “virus”? And how the hell do you know about this?!

Steve: Hmmm. I’ve actually never heard anyone word it this way before. “Catching a bug” used to be an old fashion expression for getting sick. Did you hear about “The No Virus Challenge” from some grandma who lives in the Deep South?

Me: No, it was some anonymous troll who baited me on the internet. And it’s the “No Bug Challenge” Steve, like for real.

Steve: Jesus Tom! Why do you even engage with people like that. You need to just ignore these losers. And if they ever get under your skin, then just lie about them! People like us can easily do this.

Me: You’re totally right, but my ego got the best of me. I’m an actor. I can’t help it. I can’t just say NO to a challenge, especially a challenge that I KNOW I can win.

Steve: I still can’t believe you didn’t just ignore it Tom. Were you drunk? You’ve got a huge reputation to defend! Look bro, this “No Bug Challenge” is really just a trap created by a bunch of nobodies on the internet. Your biggest mistake was to engage them in the first place.

Me: Steve, it’s only $200,000 if I lose the challenge. That’s like $6.66 for me compared to my limo repair guy. The money part of this is no big deal for me. It’s my ego that’s hurting more than anything. And I must say, I’m really shocked actually, because I truly believed that if there was anyone in the world who could provide documented proof of these “bugs”, then Mr Thomas Cruz is the guy! I thought winning this challenge would be a piece of cake. I mean, we have the google now-a-days.

Steve: So you accepted the challenge? Tell me what happened. Did you find any bugs on Google Tom?

Me: Not since January 29th, 2018?

Steve: What?

Me: I said I didn’t find any bugs in 4 fucking years! Ugh! How are you not hearing me? It must be the masks, it’s really hard to understand people with these things on our faces, but they’re super necessary for our health and safety.

Steve: You’re an idiot Tom. Look, you might have “played” a doctor in some crappy movie one time, but that doesn’t mean you’re a real doctor. I know all the real doctors. And scientists. They could easily explain to you why we still can’t find any viruses.

Me: Why the fuck do you keep saying “viruses” Steve? I’m talking about bugs. Why do I need a doctor’s advice for this? I’ve seen HD video of these bugs in 2018. Bro, check out my phone. This shit is on YouTube. For real.

Steve: What the fuck is the “No Bug Challenge”? I’m honestly confused now. What have you gotten yourself into Tom?

Me: Steve, like I was trying to tell you before, some stupid internet troll who’s calling himself “el tom-gato-malo” dared me to find a single picture of Nicole Kidman eating bugs anytime AFTER January 29th, 2018! So I’m like, “fuck this pussycat tomcat, all I’ve got to do is just a quick google search and there’d be a shit ton of pictures of Nicole Kidman eating bugs”. I mean she loves eating bugs! She does it for her health and safety. I eat bugs all the time too. Don’t you Steve?!

Steve: ….

Me: Bruh, that YouTube video was for real, she wasn’t acting. Trust me, I’m an acting expert, and so is Nicole by the way...

Steve: Tom, you were an “acting expert” like 30 years ago! Now you’re just a rich old geezer.

Me: Look who’s talking asswipe! Anyway, I couldn’t find any evidence of of Nicole eating bugs after that one time. Maybe she wanted to keep things private after that? Celebrities really need privacy you know. So I personally called her myself. Nicole and I have been through a lot together. I’ve seen her naked before.

So if I’ve seen that, then I saw no reason why she wouldn’t have also shown me at least one stupid picture of her eating bugs other than that one time 4 years ago! I left her a detailed voice message, but she never called me back.

Steve: I think Nicole has moved on Tom. No offense.

Me: I don’t give a shit about Nicole anymore! I just wanted to prove that stupid internet cat wrong! So then I had my people contact Nicole’s people to see if they had any personal photos to share of Nicole eating bugs with her friends and family.

Steve: And?

Me: I was ignored, just like an internet troll pretending to be a cat would have been.

Steve: I’m sorry bro.

Me: Whatever, it’s only gonna cost me $6.66 in regular people money.

Steve: Damn, I should have been an actor too.

Me: Acting is not as glamorous as you think it is Steve. Sometimes my helicopter has a hard time landing on the film set.

Steve: Really? I’m really surprised Tom. You of all people can afford the best pilots. Look, I got you bro, would you like to borrow one of my pilots to fly you home safely tonight?

Me: Bruh, you know damn well I have the best pilots on the payroll. I’m not interested in your shitty people.

Steve: You’re ego is really out of control Tom.

Me: And?

Steve: What’s kind of helicopter issues are you having?

Me: Well, the landing part isn’t hard, but as soon as I get out, I constantly hear all of this snickering behind my back about being a “global warming” hypocrite. I hate working with these film crew jerks. They’re too stupid to understand that it’s a climate emergency. Even though all these assholes work on film sets, they haven’t been to a movie since Water World. Like I said before, acting is really hard work.

Steve: Well maybe you should have been a real Doctor then Tom! Or maybe a scientist since you’re so great at researching bugs on the internet!.

Me: You know what Steve?
Steve: What Tom?
Me: I think I just mind controlled you.

Steve: What?

Me: I actually am a real scientist now! I’m interning with the Boostershots microbiology division! We’re studying white blood cells currently.

Steve: What the fuck is Boostershots?

Works Cited:

Eyes Wide Shut (1999) Warner Bros.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120663/